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Kate Stewart: Getting away with murder

As a self-confessed, somewhat, reluctant mother, I long ago gave up my dream of "offing" my Life Forms, primarily because of the advancements made in forensic science.

Though fascinated by real crime and serial killers, in particular, I have also seen enough true crime documentaries to know that getting away with murder is not quite as simple as one may think, regardless of how much planning you put into it.

Many serial killers that I have studied have been shown to have remarkably high IQs, Ed Kemper would be one such example and so it comes as no surprise to me that many think they are smarter than police.

If the thousands of American shows that I have watched are anything to go by, I'm sorry to say I would have to agree. If it wasn't for tips from the public and the forensic side of things, the cold case files in the USA would need to be rehomed in Antartica.

I don't know what their entrance requirements are but I just pray that New Zealand's are higher. Many seem unable to string two words together with any type of grammatical correctness.

So while you may be able to outsmart the average, doughnut-loving cop, the forensics are an entirely different kettle of fish.

Should any reader be a budding killer in the making, please avoid making the following mistakes:

Even if you're paying cash, do not purchase bleach, duct tape, rubbish bags and disposable gloves in outlets where they have security cameras. Think ahead, buy well in advance or purchase items separately from different stores.

Don't overcomplicate body disposal. I recommend you avoid body dismemberment. It's messy and time-consuming and makes the perfect clean-up job nigh on impossible.

Rentals of woodchippers leave a paper trail and the purchases of chainsaws or knives are also frequently caught on camera. If you insist on taking this course of action, plan ahead and where possible, buy your items privately and do whatever you can to minimise blood cast-off unless you plan on employing a professional clean-up crew.

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